Lies! Lies! Lies!

Ah the lies we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better. Ironically the lies I tell myself do the complete opposite making me a miserable person which I sadly find comfort in being. I have turned into someone I truly do not recognize when looking in the mirror. All this anger, hate, negativity, and hopelessness have even effected how I look literally making it hard to see “me” in the mirror.

In the course of the last few days I have been humbled, my eyes opened, my heart ripped out in order for me to see what I have become, the last few days of self-reflection have been pure hell and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Today I declare that I have had enough of these things and today is the day I give these things to God, today I rip these things out of my very soul to open up room to truly allow joy and positivity into. Today I change.

One of my first things I discovered is that I have developed the most horrendously negative and cynical attitude on life in the course of the last decade. Thinking about it, maybe it’s been even longer than that if I'm being totally honest. The course of the last few days have opened my eyes to see the results of viewing and living life with that type of mental and spiritual filter and I will tell you that it ruins you, your health (physical, mental, and spiritual), your life in every aspect, and your relationships with everyone you come in contact with.

            I have discovered that I have developed a “victim mentality”. Somehow I truly have convinced myself that I am always the victim of “a horrible” life when the outcome of situation isn't desirable, or something or someone has hurt me. This thought process has extended to the consequences of my own actions, believing that I do not deserve any better, how did I even do that? I have even rationalized in my own head that my mother’s death was something she did to me specially, at one point I even blamed myself for how she died. How dare I do such a thing!

           Speaking of the blame game; I have gotten really great at blaming everyone including myself in conjunction with my “victim mentality”. I would blame my friends, family, wife, kids, jobs, even God and anyone else I could when something would happen “to me” that I didn’t desire. I would also blame others or situations for when something I wanted didn’t come to pass like a job promotion or a day of relaxation. Blaming everything else also created a monster of self-entitlement to certain things I felt I had already paid my dues for or what-not. Obviously I had not paid said dues, or had come to a point in development when thing would normally happen.

All four of these things I have come to realize steam from a behavior psychologists have labeled as “learned helplessness”. This came across to me as a vital revelation when I was told about behavior and how it functions. I thought to myself, “this is me, this is the major millstone I have around my neck!” I don’t know what caused me to develop this behavior, maybe I learned it from two or three people in my life that also fit this behavior. They have had a heavy influence in my life in one form or another. Maybe it was certain traumas I’ve accrued in my life so far? Maybe it centers on my prior substance abuse as pain was the necessity for a lack of sobriety. Ultimately I only have myself to blame, no one else because everyone else goes through things too.

None of these behaviors have brought me any form of happiness. As a matter of fact I have exhibited some behaviors that I swore never to indulge in. Some things I will admit to having done to others are things like backbiting, judging harshly, speaking ill of, or generally have degrading and devaluing others. I put others down time and time again because I’ve hated myself. I have become someone who believed he was unable produce his own happiness and positive energy. Someone who could not forgive himself anything and could not provide himself a feeling of acceptance. I would in turn, go on to drain others of their happiness and vital energy, I have become a “Psychic Vampire”.

My last realization was this thought: “I am one bad day away from completely turning my back on God.” I have been like this for some time now and it’s been a slippery slope I didn’t even know was there. For a couple of years now my prayer and scripture study has been haphazard and most study was not to nourish my spirit, but to prove that I was right when others attacked my faith. I have been spiritually starving and with every attack I would get more and more offended and angry instead of loving and forgiving like I should be. Trusting God has always been a weakness of mine but for a couple of years now I haven’t even been trying. There was also a point in my life when I attended the Temple once a week, now I have been lucky if I drag myself to make it once every six months. I have been distant from my God and my own spirit and it is showing.

There is no real fancy wrap up to this, I needed to vent this out to the universe as well allow myself to admit all of this for good and ill. For those that have had to suffer me the past few years, I am truly sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive me while I am learning to forgive myself. Please understand that I may back pedal from time to time when things get rough while I am learning to change. Digging myself out of this hole is going to take a little time and a whole lot of effort, please be patient with me while I learn to be patient with myself. Thank you.