To My Mom Before She Passes

February 28, 2014

To My Mom Before She Passes

"Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me."

-Alice Walker

Mom I want to make sure that before you die that you know how much I love and adore you. How much I always have loved you, and how much everything you've ever done for me has meant.

The problem I have is that I don't really know where to begin so please bear with me...

First I want to thank you for taking care of me as a child. Throughout most of my life you've had an addiction to one substance or another that at times has tempted you to leave your family for a time. There was plenty of times I would stay up all night for one to several nights waiting for you to come home because I was scared that I would lose you. I just want you to know that I don't resent or hate you for that, I love you and I thank you for doing your very best every single day to be a wonderful mom. Between you and dad, I always had clean clothes, food, lunch for school, and love. I thank you for doing your best, in some of the lowest parts of your life. I love you.

Thank you for taking care of my pet turtles Mario and Lugi. They always had a clean bowl and food to eat. Thank you for teaching my second grade class to use chopsticks, and for cleaning and dressing all my bumps, bruises, and scraps. I still remember the first time I fell off my bike; I just got the training wheels off and got cocky. I slipped on those nasty berries from that tree right in front of our house in Homestead. I hurt myself pretty good and cried so much. You where my first thought when I saw my own blood. Thank you for taking care of me when I threw up all over my bed when I had food poisoning, I still hate Return of the Jedi because when I think of Ewoks, I think of throwing up while laying on the love seat. Thank you for taking me out to breakfast every Friday morning to Burger King, french toast sticks always take me back to those times. I still remember watching stupid B movies during the summer together, or the Muppet show while drinking milk. I still remember all those times you would take us to Tampa in the middle of the night and how scary and exciting it was as a kid. I still feel bad because we left dad alone. The thing I think I miss the most about being a kid, is cuddling with you on the couch at night, you gentle, reassuring touch and voice, and your french toast. I love you.

Thank you for always reading Panda Bear's Paintbox to me before I went to bed at night. Thank you for always encouraging me to read, to write, and believing that I could be a writer some day.

I want to thank you for being a strong wife and mother when dad had to go to Korea both times. Both times away from you other half must have been hard. Having me to take care of must have made if all that much worse. The first time I was just a little toddler. The second, just becoming a teenager that you had to teach to shave. I wish right now I was as strong as you were then. I admire you for those times. I love you.

I think the most distant I've ever been from you is while I was a teenager, we were still pretty close compared to other families. This was the time when you let me stay home from school "sick" so we could go to the commissary on Hill AFB every once in a while. For good and ill, you and dad let me explore, grow and always supported me during that time. Some of my fondest times with you and dad was right after he retired. We would smoke and listen to Pink Floyd really loud and I would always hear a damn phone ring. That and I would space out while eating a whole bag of Doritos. Remember when I had my wisdom teeth out? I don't, but I do remember that you was driving me home and I kept asking you what day and year it was, and telling you I love you. You took really good care of me during that time. Just like you did when I had chickenpox as a kid, and every other time I've been really sick in my life. I didn't matter what was going on or how you felt, you were always there for me. Do you remember how proud you where of me when I graduated from Roy High School, or when I won the Reflections contest in 6th grade? I still do. You've almost always been proud of me and supported me and that means so much to me. Even more so when I feel like most of my early adulthood feels like a disappointment, even for you.

My young adulthood, that for sure was the lowest time in my life. Living in your basement, so deeply depressed, suicidal, doing drugs, having no drive, no ambition, no job, no life left in me. How that must have hurt you so deeply seeing your only child, you baby boy hurt so bad, live so low, and nothing you could do could take it away. Being a parent myself now, I could just imagine how broken your heart must have been. I'm going through a version of it myself with you right now.

You know one thing I really miss about you is your cooking. I always loved how back after High School and I ordered a WWE PPV, you always made a huge thanksgiving like meal when Jesse, A.J., and Cooper would come over to watch with me. We always had the munchies really bad and your food was always so good that we all would almost fall asleep after. Your Italian food I miss, your Chinese as well. I miss cold winter days with your beef stew in my belly. Your chicken curry was always more Thai and less Indian, but it was still really good with a pint and some Red Dwarf on TV.

Another thing I really miss about you that you used to do all the time. Leave me notes in my lunch, or during the summer when you went to work and woke up after you left, or when I got home from school and you where still at work. Those notes were always so sweet and loving; you have no idea how much those mean to me. I still have a few, I wish I would have kept them all. I love you for those, and I plan on doing that for my kids as well.

I remember the last road trip to Tampa we took. It was in 2001 because your mom was dying. It was one of the most stress filled times in my life and I hope that I was still strong enough to be there for you. I know how much it broke your heart to see her go and I still damn Atlanta Georgia for their traffic because if we wouldn't have gotten stuck there for hours, we would have made it there in time. Sometimes though, the will of God isn't what we want and isn't what is best for us to grow if we allow ourselves to grow from it. I still think you hurt from that, the hurt from your sister and niece's betrayal, guilt from your past, as well as the pain from your childhood. I am sorry that you hurt so much and that it's still apart of you. Just know that anything that you've ever felt guilty about with me, I forgive you for, please let it go. While you're at it, please let all of your pain go. I know you don't really know or believe in Jesus Christ but I do know that He is waiting to take that pain from you, He always has and will help you heal one day. He's always been there for you, even after you trust was betrayed by a supposed "man of God" that was a wolf in sheep's clothing instead. One of the most hurtful aspects of your last bit of time here on earth is knowing that you are not happy, and you haven't been in a long time. I wish I could do something to make you happy just one last time before you go. Not even your granddaughter seems to bring a smile to your face. It's a smile I really miss.

I don't know how many times in my life I felt like you were the only friend I had in the world. Dad has always been my dad but you've always been both my mom and my best friend. When I've always needed you most, you've always been there like when I was at my lowest. I hope to some extent that I've been able to so the same.

Mom I am really scared right now. I have been through some scary times in my life and some of the worst have been with you. Right now though is the most scared I've ever been. I hate seeing you waste away, hurt, and suffer like you are, I hate more that I can't stop it anymore then I can change your mind from not eating or drinking, change your will to live, or even take your pain away. Most of all is the uncertainty of what will happen to you once you die. Not so much of "is there an after life" or any of that but more of what you will have to face once you see God again. Once you are gone I will have your Temple work done so you can have that opportunity; it's for you if you want it and that is the scariest part. I don't know if you would or not; I hope you do more then anything because it what it means. What also scares me is what will happen to you if you still won't let go of your pain and addictions. I am afraid of a world without my mom because even though I am married and a father myself now; facing the world without the protection of my parents still petrifies me. As an only child, you and dad are all I've ever had to rely on and I still do more then I want to admit to. I don't know what I am going to do without being able to just call you up when I need to talk, or get a hug from the one person who's hugs have always gave me a glimpse into the warm embrace of God.

I love you mom, and I am not ready for you to go, but I can't force you to stay anymore then I can stop time but I can remind of you this. I love you, I will always be your little boy, I will always miss you, I will always need you, and even after your gone. I will always be waiting for you to come home.

I love you mommy.