Rebecca Danielle

December 31, 2013

Rebecca Danielle

With this ring, I give you my promise
that from this day forward
you shall not walk alone.

May my heart be your shelter
and my arms be your home.

May God bless you always.
May we walk together through all things.
May you feel deeply loved, for indeed you are.

I don't know why this would be one of the hardest ones for me to write. I really don't have any idea where to start and what I should and shouldn't share because our beginning isn't a pretty story and doesn't really paint me in the best light for a variety of reasons.

For those who may end up reading this that don't know me; Becky is my beautiful wife, my best-friend and companion for both time and eternity. The person who gets under my skin more then anyone else I've ever known, and in her own rough edged way, my biggest fan and supporter....I think....

I met Becky in a LDS singles ward a few months after I started going through a very hard time in my life from huge transition I was going through from joining the church, getting sober, and something else we will cover later. I was extremely insecure, lonely, and my self confidence was dead and in it's grave. During this time I was trying really hard to be "cool" and extroverted after spending so much time out of the "loop" and being Anti-conformity so let my hair grow out tried to spike it as tall as I could, not thinking about how my receding hairline would make that look. I also dressed like I did in JR High/High School; for example, my favorite outfit was huge ripped out jeans with SpongeBob Square Pant PJ's underneath and XXL sized faded T-shirts. By worldy stature, I was a real loser and I was stuck in my teenage years in a lot of ways in addition to how I dressed.

Then enters Becky into my life and I wish I was to be able to say that it was "love at first sight" but it was nothing like that on her end. I was very surprised that it sure was on mine as I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. She was everything I wanted though; an active LDS woman that was beautiful, had tattoo's, gauges in her ears, was dressed trendy, and had a different color of hair every week. All I wanted to do was get to know her not ever thinking anything would happen given the men flocking to her, as well as my lack of self worth. She on the other hand wanted nothing to do with me, thought I was "creepy", "awkward", and looked like an "idiot", and would make fun of me with her friend M.J.. No matter how hard I would try to get her attention or start a conversation with her, she would most of the time out right ignore me and turn away. I don't know if she knows how bad it hurts to this day for a variety of reasons ranging from how embarrassed I was by her actions, to having a sliver of doubt stuck in my heart that she could never really love me.

Now one Sunday I was asked to give a talk in church. According to Becky, there was something in the Spirit of the talk that gave her the impression that she should thank me even though she really didn't want to. Eventually due to constant nudges from the Spirit, she ended up sending me a message on Facebook thinking it was distant enough from me, but would get the Spirit off her back at the same time.

From there we ended up messaging each other back and forth which evolved to texting, then talking in person at church, and finally hanging out at her house. In September of 2010 I asked her on a date. I took her to a rated R movie called Machete then talked her into theater hopping to another movie. Well I really didn't impress her like I thought for some reason thought it would. Long story short, she ended up going on another date that same day which when I eventually found out, hurt, still does.

Really though, in a relationship that there's been both so much hurt, and so much love, I can't really blame her. See when she looked at my Facebook Profile and saw that I was in a committed relationship at the time with a girl who was serving a LDS Mission. Now I don't want to go into too much Detail about Lacey (she's another entry for another day). What I will share with you now is that she left for her mission in November of 2009 and I was a mess from it and her leaving was a big part of why I was having such a hard time because I was very much in love with her and very dependent on her as well.

After a long conversation between Becky and I about Lacey and my intentions we ended up going on more dates and spending a lot more time together. Eventually we kissed, eventually we both feel in love with each other and the thought of becoming a family. I remember one of the cementing factors for me was when my Beta fish died right before my birthday. I also and more importantly remember my uncle Rhett dying right before then as well as anxiously waiting for a package from Lacey that didn't end up coming until sometime in late November. In the meantime Becky not only made me a tye dye blanket, but bought me a fat Goldfish and set filter for my little aquarium. Most importantly, for the fist time I saw how loving and nurturing she could be as I was in a lot of pain at the time. That November I went to see my grandparents for Thanksgiving and back home it was snowing really bad. Becky ended up going over and shoveling my parents driveway for them so they didn't have to and spent some time with them.

By around Christmas time Becky's mind was made up that she wanted to marry me and made it known while on the other hand was being tortured between my feelings for both her and Lacey which where becoming more increasingly spiteful. My feelings for them at this time where very intense and I was scared to death of making a choice as to who would be my future wife. I remember Becky and I spending many days soaking at Crystal Hot springs talking about how I felt and thought. She was thoughtful, honest, and willing to let me make my own choice in the matter. By the end of January we went a Bridal shower where she won a ring, wedding cake, and I won a big discount for a ring. It seemed like a huge confirmation from Heavenly Father as to which way to go but I was still scared to death to end it with Lacey and to make the jump so when I asked Becky to marry me in February, I asked her not to post anything on Facebook and keep it secret. She did for about two weeks and then the cat was out of the bag and my choice was made for me.

She had every right to do what she did, I had been leading both of them on for far too long and I still have a lot of guilt for that. At the time though I was both angry, and scared to death of not only what transpired, but also at the though of my life as I knew it morphing into something far different. I would finally go from being a man-child to becoming a man and I sure didn't feel like I could live up to the task. Above and beyond everything else, Becky wanted me to grow up with her and transition to the next step in life; one that I thought would never happen, one that scared me. Up to this point I was living a very comfortable life of living in my parents basement, having no bills besides my debts, and being well taken care of for a 29 year old that never really left the nest until that point. This next step in my life is something I've always wanted, for the longest time something I never thought I would get, and now that I was finally getting it, I was more scared then I've ever been in my life.

The next 5 months we spend time planning the wedding, getting closer to each other, going to the Holi Festival or Color and anything else we could do before we took the plunge. We where having a lot of fun to balance all the stress of planning and then it happened...we screwed up.

In the LDS church, we get Sealed in Temples which is a marriage for both time here on earth, and for all eternity in the after life. In order to enter the Temple you have to be "worthy" which means you have to be clean from certain sins of this world, one of them being per-martial sex. We where just a couple of months away from being Sealed and between the stress, the fun, and the temptation, we just couldn't handle it anymore and gave it. On top of ruining our wedding plans so far, feeling like a total selfish cad, I ended up having her dad wanting to kill me...literally when she told him (rightfully so). This was a very trying time for us but we worked through it and made alternate plans to get married first and then work towards getting Sealed a year later.

So we where married on July 16th 2011 and it was a very bittersweet day. Becky felt like we had robbed her of a Temple marriage while I also felt a tremendous amount of guilt for not starting off being sealed but was optimistic that we would make it there. Personally I was both sad and happy because my parents were able to see their only child get married when if we were married in the Temple first, they would not have been able to attend. It was such a stress filled day and such a big step that I never thought would happen that when it came time for me to walk to my bride, I forgot to breathe and almost passed out. She was so beautiful when I walked out that when I remembered to breathe, I still wasn't able to. One of the most beautiful visions I've ever beheld in my life has been my bride in her beautiful dress. It still is and always will be. I also remember when I was able to "kiss the bride", she was the one who ended up grabbing me on the back of the head and gave me one of the most passionate kisses I've ever had. The cake was terrible tasting, the food was more of a tease because everyone wants to say hi and talk, and everything seemed to just happen as a blur.

We honeymooned in Asheville North Carolina. I know that may sound weird and it's not as fancy or as glorious as most people want but Becky and I made the best of the area. One of the most important reasons why we went was to spend time with my grandparents who loved that we spent that special time with them. Becky I am so thankful you where willing to sacrifice our time to spend with some it with them. In addition to my grandparents, we drove through the Smoky Mountains and the Indian territory in search of a Krystal Burger. We spent the day at the Biltmore, and tried to eat out any and everywhere in the area because the food out there is great.

A year later we would be sealed for time and eternity in the Draper Utah Temple on July 18th 2012. It was a very windy day and nothing seemed to go right with hardly anyone we invited not showing up. But this was a day that we had worked and suffered so hard for so we did not let us be deterred from such a spiritual and beautiful moment in our lives. As beautiful as she was in her wedding dress, she was ever so more gorgeous knelled across from me on the alter of the sealing room we where in. I will say though how happy I was to have those who did show up, be with us for that moment for they mean so much to us.

Our marriage hasn't been easy thus far but I wouldn't change a moment of it because of what we have learned and how much we have grown. With that said, our first year was one of the worst years of my life. For the first three months we lived in my parents basement which is a very stress filled situation to start a marriage off with. The stress and fights between us became so harsh that we almost lost each other until we started going to a class at the Ogden Institute of Religion where one of my old Bishops and his wife where teaching. They taught a class for young married couples that they were perfect for. The reason why is because of the tremendous amount of love and charity they have for each other and it melts into you when you are around them. I can honestly say that they saved our marriage with big help from the Lord. One way they did this was quite a miracle that would turn into us buying our first home.

One day before class the head of the Institute received a call from a gentleman who's father was living in a home and needed a young married couple to house sit for. long story short, the Director talked to my old Bishop who in turn called me right after to give me details. We then applied and interviewed to be selected as they had other couples that needed this opportunity as much if not more then we needed. After some time of prayer, fasting, meditation on both sides, we where selected.
We moved in promptly which was scary for both of us because she had never been on her own, and neither had I. I was not confident at all and worried all the time about being able to pay the bills and afford food and such but in hindsight, we had it really good and was really blessed. We still fought because we are both stubborn but it got much better as time moved on and I relaxed.

After we were sealed we ended up finding out that we where pregnant with Adilyn; it always seems that once you get used to one stress, a whole new situation comes about to teach you. Honestly I was very distant most of the pregnancy from a combination of working a second job at Staples and being scared to death of being a father. This I regret and wish I would have taken more time to nurture and love my wife and growing little girl. I won't go into too much detail about the birth of Adilyn because I've already covered it on this. One thing I do want to talk about is how beautiful my wife looked the more pregnant she became, how proud and impressed I was when she gave birth, and how much more I love and admire her for giving birth. Those feelings grow every day as I watch her as a mother and trust me when I say this, she is an excellent mother. She also may not feel so happy about who she is because of what pregnancy does to your body as well as sacrifices she's made for Adilyn; but I thank her and love her for it and find her just as beautiful as the day I met her.

Becky I love you so very deeply and dearly and so happy to share the good times with you, and wouldn't want anyone else in my corner when the bad comes. I am sorry for any and all pain that I've caused you and know I am not an easy man to be married to. Of all the blessings in my life, you my wife are the crown jewel of them.